Saturday, 18 April 2009

I'm going to rant a teensy bit now


Seen Susan Boyle yet? Have you? Have you? Well of course you have, because she's been rammed down our throats like we're cats being fed worming tablets.

But it's amazing! Amazing! She shut up Simon Cowell! She's got the most unlikely amazing voice!

Ok, shut up and listen. It's an advert. It's a not-very-sophisticated marketing campaign. She's all over the place because it's a brilliant story on which the massive puclicity department can sell the fictional "Anything can happen" angle of Britain's Got Talent, but it's as real as pro-wrestling, and nowhere near as entertaining.

The "Suprise", it seems to me, is that an unattractive, late midle aged woman can sing well. What ugly things does it say about our lovely little society when that's a shock? Have we really been told enough times that only young, sexy people can sing? And are we dumb enough to believe it now? Were there really people istting open-mouthed on their DFS sofas gawping is disbelief at this anomaly before turning to their partner and whispering through stuttering lips "H-h-how can she sing competently? She has a double chin and an old fashioned hairstyle! THIS GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING I HAVE BEEN LED TO BELIEVE"

She's a church lady. The world is full of middle aged women with old fasioned hairstyles who go to church and sing every week. Some of them get good at it. It's not rocket surgery.

Good luck to her. I mean it.

But here's how her life will go now: She'll probably win the stupid show. Christmas Album with cover that will feature the best photo of her ever taken. Jonathan Ross chat show appearance, wherein our host will ask an off-colour question about her double chin, she will akwardly deliver a scripted put down and the audience will react as if she's Oscar Wilde. Tour, during which she will play to the depressing venn diagram overlap that includes both fans of Britains Got Talent, and Christians. At this point I'm hoping she'll start meeting the other people in the music and media business. From then on it's just a blur of sleeping with Russell Brand, scoring smack from Pete Docherty and throwing her phone at B.A. cabin crew.

Either that or she'll at some point realise that if she was ok looking and 29, then that voice wouldn't have been enough to make her special in the eyes of Cowell, Morgan and the one who slept with Lea Dennis, and we would already have forgotten about her.

3 comments:

Nob Stewart said...

Too true mate.

T said...

"It's not rocket surgery."

Mat Ricardo said...

Firstly, sorry about the spelling mistakes - grumpyness overrides good writing.

Secondly - 10 points for anyone who can tell me the celeb I stole "Rocket Surgery" from. One of my favourite quotes, that.